Trying to get home

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  Be Happy and Healthy this weekend and dont forget to enjoy the holidays!  Congrats again Kelly, I am so happy for you.

 

M

In reading my friend Kelly's recent blog got me to thinking about something that came up this weekend.

 

Steve's wife is not the greatest person I have ever met to say the least.  If you have read my blog, you will know that I am having major difficulty in dealing with this aspect of our relationship.  Well this weekend Steve went to drop the kids off at her house and discuss some financial information.  I guess things didnt go well, she says she has no money, boyfriend out of work, etc.  She works for a phone company here in Idaho, so Steve gets his cell phone, internet, etc at a discount that we pay her for.  Well, she hasnt had a car for 7 months and every Monday we give her a ride to work.  Steve told her, the fact that you live about 30 miles from us and where you work, we will call it even on the cell phone payment.  She is actually saving money if we were to charge her for gas and then pay her.  Well this weekend she started demanding money. Steve said just switch everything in my name and Michelle and I will be responsible for it.  She said well you still owe me this.  Then Steve pipes up and says, "Actually, in not doing a child support order now that you are management, I am saving you about $300 a month."  She lit into him, called him some not nice names and then said this "You could do so much better than Michelle, you deserve better." 

 

REALLY?????  This coming from a woman who slept with at least 20 different men during their relationship?  How does she get off saying something like that?  Because I am smart enough to know about child support and know that she isnt paying near enough for her 2 children?  The fact that maybe the only reasons she takes her kids is so society doesnt look down on her?  This is the woman who left the family on her oldest sons 4th birthday, but hey he has autism, he didnt know is her response. 

 

I usually dont have much interaction with this person, I dont see the need to.  Why put a moth to a flame?  Well this morning I woke up and wanted to go with Steve to tell her that is she has something to say about me, say it to my face.  Does she not think that Steve will not say something to me.  Yes, it was childish of me wanting to go, but it is about 9 months of frustration with this women, that really came to head when I found out.  Caused another fight with us, this time mostly my fault, because I was being really stubborn and wouldnt let it go. 

 

I know that I shouldnt let this person piss me off that bad.  That obviously she has issues that I dont even need to involve myself in.  Steve has reassured me about this that  I am the one he needs, wants in his life.  That he knows we are in this together and as much as we may fight, it is as hard as we love each other.

 

So now I am going to try to let it go...know that being the bigger person is really more important and to let her know she affected me would really be giving her something she doesnt deserve, which is knowing that she pissed me off.

 

In other news, Steve and I are doing much better...I think one my friends said it best, you didnt really date, just moved in with each other and that will cause some growing pains.  It sure did, but I am hoping that we made it through...

 

Happy Halloween -

 

M

This is ve been struggling with for a few months now.  My relationship and the decisions I have made to stay in it.  I guess you could say it all came to a big moment today.  My boyfriend as you all know is still married to his wife.  This causes a bit of strife in our relationship, because I dont feel right about it.  Havent for a long time and probably will never until he gets a divorce.  I think is it because I want him to marry me?  No, at least not yet.  But today I think it is all coming to a head.  We went to Reno for the weekend for my birthday.  Time for us to get away and see if we can get back to us.  Not the problems with the wife, dealing with work and kids, just us..kind of like a honeymoon.  Well it was great until the car ride back home.  6 hours of nothingness to look at so we started talking.  He told me what a great weekend he had, how much I have brought to his life....yada yada yada.  I asked him if all of that was true, why doesnt he start divorce proceedings?  It to me would solidfy our relationship, that I would feel like I was in a real relationship with this person, instead of how I sometimes feel like a nanny who pays half the bills.  Yep that is actually what I feel like 99% of the time. 

 

Here is a bit of backstory:  Steve doesnt work, makes enough from SSI and child support that he honestly doesnt have to.  He says his kids are his job, I get that, they have autism, they have special needs. I work as a server and am on my feet and trying to please people constantly.  When I come home, I want to unwind and not be around anyone for a few minutes.  Just to be me, you know?  I work the afternoons at my job most times.  Kids are usually up by 7:00 a.m. to get ready for school and therapies.  Steve will get mad if I dont get up to help him in the morning.  I look at as his job, that is what he gets paid for and I dont ask him to come help me bus tables or take orders right?  Well, when we were talking this afternoon and the way home, I tried to explain it to him.  That if he tells me it is his job, then I am not going to take responsibility for it, especially if I have had weeks like I just had, where I am working 70 hours in a week.  That I am physically and emotionally drained.  At that point I barely have enough energy to take care of myself, much less 3 other people.  He didnt get it, said that is what the wife would do to him.  Said that is why he is scared of marriage, that I am going to be like her.  What I said?  I am so completely opposite from this women.  I do help, I pointed out that last week I was up with the kids every single morning, and usually on about 4 hours of sleep.  Well you live here, you should help.  Isnt that why I pay half of the bills?  I just told him at that point I didnt want to argue and ruin our weekend.

 

More backstory:  We have a basically non existent sex life.  Not that I am a big sex fiend.  But to me it is another way you show the person in your life that you love them.  Another show of affection.  I told him very early on in our relationship that I do enjoy that part of my life when I am in a committed relationship.  We average about once a week right now!!!  But he always wants back rubs, for my help and my time.  What do I get?   He is affectionate with kisses and hugs, but it stops there.  Sometimes I feel like he gives me just enough to stay and hope for the relationship to get better.  We fight about our lack of a sex life.  He tells me that I am selfish for wanting to be intimate with him, because I could get pregnant.  We take precautions, beleive me it isnt happening on my end. 

 

Tonight, he told basically that if I wasnt happy with anything to leave, that being alone wasnt as bad as this.  I am thinking it is bad for you?  You get mostly everything you want, someone to love you and help you with your children.  What do I get?  Rides to work, that is all I can honestly think that he does for me.  But then again I pay half of the gas, insurance and car payment. 

 

I have been struggling with this decision for a few months now, because in my heart of hearts I do love him, but is he right for me?  I am not sure, I think he loves his dog and friends alot more than he loves me.  In fact right now he is cuddling and being much nicer to his dog than me.  If that isnt a sign, I dont know what is huh? 

Are we conditioned as girls to believe in this statement?  I used to think that maybe just maybe my prince would come and "rescue" me.  How sorely mistaken I was, now that I am in a relationship, I see that I need to rescue myself.   I think I am getting there.  I am in a decent relationship, with someone for a very long time, I know respects me and supports me.  He is not here to rescue me, but to help make my life easier and vice versa.  Sometimes it can be a bit of a struggle because we both want to be in control and in any relationship no 2 people can have complete control.  Steve likes to be the "man" of the house, and for so long I was the "man and woman" of the house that it is hard to for me to let go and give up a bit of control. 

 

Life is going very well with Steve, with up and downs of any relationship. But when there are downs, they are really down there.  Dealing with his ex wife is probably this biggest issue I have.  She is a bitch - I can say that right, this is my blog.  Steve, Jordan and I are supposed to be going to the Grand Tetons next week for a tournament for Steve and a lil mini vacation for me and Jordan.  We called the wife and asked her to take the kids on Friday night instead of Saturday morning.  Not a big deal right?  Most people would love having more time with their children.  Not her, that cuts into her "me" time.  I didnt know as a parent that you got "me" time other than when the kids are sleeping.  She doesnt want to take them, Steve is trying to "negiotate" with her and she isnt biting.  So my mini vacation because of this bitch, is maybe gone.  I basically said while he was talking to her that they are her kids, Steve is out of town and it is not my job to watch them.  I hated saying that because I love his kids, have basically considered that they are mine now.  But still, I need a break too!  I am just going to cross me fingers that she will buck up and take responsibility for her children. 

 

Jordan has been here for a month, and is having a great time.  He and Steve are like two peas in a pod and have done a couple of tournaments together.  Steve has been a godsend in helping me with the "tween" attitude that Jordan has displayed a couple of times.  Overall though, Jordan is a great help with the kids.  He doesnt get frustrated with them, tries to understand their needs and their disease and willl just play with them when they will interact with him. 

 

I hope everyone is having a great summer and I know I have been a bit of ghost around here, but in my defense, just trying to enjoy my summer with my boys!

 

 

Wow -

 

I cant believe it has been 2 years since I started this blog.  I dont think I have ever kept up with something so personal for so long. I am glad I did, I have made some wonderful friends - Big Hugs to:

 

Chris / Yellow - First bloggy buddy...I love the way you tell stories.

 

Kelly - What a couple of years right..we both finally found the good guys

 

Jean - My lost buddy - Cant wait until next year.

 

BH - No longer around - I miss his blogs

 

Thanks guys for helping make my last couple of years great ones!

 

 

That is what has been going on....trying to decide if I made the right move.  I think in retrospect, yeah we moved in together way too soon.  But everything has been going really well lately.  I think the kinks have smoothed themselves out.  There have been moments where I have wanted to run not walk away.  We are two very different people and sometimes communicate differently.  That took some getting used to along with living with another adult who I am not related to.  I am having to let go of some jealously and insecurity issues when it comes to his ex.  They arent divorced yet, have been seperated for 2 years and sometimes the little doubts creep in.  Like what if she wants her family back?  Would he go?  I have asked him these things and he says no, what she did leaving the family was unforgivable. 

 

The ex is a piece of work.  I struggle with that on a weekly basis as I usually drop the boys off to her and since she doesnt have a car, pick them up on Monday morning and take her and her boyfriend to work.  Yeah..that is right, I take her to work.  Talk about uncomfortable, especially when the little one is usually so happy to see me and loves on me.  Personally and I know that in this case my opinion doesnt matter for much, she shouldnt have her kids.  Her boyfriend has a 12 year old daughter that I think takes care of the boys all weekend long!  I have picked the boys up a few times where the alcohol fumes are pourting out of her pores.  I have tried to get Steve to talk to her about it, but he doesnt like the confrintation with her.  This also irriates me...he will stand up to me but not her?

 

Yeah, this is a bit a whiny blog, but this is how I work things out - probably why Steve and I have fought a lilttle in the past is because I havent been blogging and I dont really know anyone here.  That is getting better, I just started a new job and hopefully will meet some new people and get out of this house!  I do get out, go with him or the boys, but it isnt the same.  I miss my friends in Wisconsin and if I am to be honest, sometimes I miss the ex.   Maybe that is because the ex and I had more in common than Steve and I do.  But Steve lets me be my own person and I let him.  He loves to disc golf - is quite good - goes out of town alot, which I guess the ex used to complain about, but I push him out of the house.  I think that is my down time, I am very used to being in my own space alone...that has also been a little bit of an adjustment.

 

Do I think Steve and I are meant to be?  Yeah, I do....we found each other very oddly...when I was featured he emailed me.  We are from the same city originally, like some of the same things, are both extremely affectionate people.  He is so loving sometimes, which is so nice.  Those little hugs and kisses tend to make our differences smaller..

 

Hope everyone is doing well out there...SUMMER is almost here...get out and enjoy the fun.

 

Michelle

 

P.S.  Jean - Tomorrow is the 1st part of the Finale for LOST - looks so good - I cant believe how good this season has been.

Kelly - glad I was able to find you.

Chris - Welcome BACK!!!!!

Lil man arrived late Saturday night and loves it here as much as I do.  Steve and him are getting along fantastically.  Jordan seems to be a lil version of Steve which is why I probably liked Steve from the moment I met him.  Work is going great - still serving but at a much better place.  Better hours, not as long as shifts and about the same money. 

 

The issue from beforehand is working itself out, Andy now goes into his own room to go to sleep and will stay there most of the night.  When and if he crawls into bed with us, I make Steve take the middle position so that I am not awake and being kicked all night long.  I think that is where my frustration was coming from.  Not enough sleep - which is when I turn into a not very nice person to be around. 

 

I also need to say how proud I am of my kid - 1st semester in 6th grade he got all A's.  A 4 point average and we took him out to eat when he got here Saturday and I told him I would get him a new outfit.  He has worked hard all school year long and is doing great.  I think the move here in July will be a good move for him also, as he is at that point in his life that he needs a father figure.  Someone who can be a strong presence in his life.

 

Hope everyone is staying warm!!!!

 

 

Well he won Idaho here at least!  This is who will have my vote come November!!! Remember to get out and vote!

Everything is going as well as can be expected here.  Combining famalies is a hard thing to do - I understand that.  The one big HUGE issue that I am having is that his 3 year old sleeps in the same bed as him.  Not that Andy doesnt have his own room - he does, it is just dad got into the habit of letting him sleep with him.  This is not something I think is appropriate or should be happening. 

I have tried for the last 2 weeks to transition him into his own room.  I will get up when he cries and go into the room and sit with him until he falls back asleep.  Which will happen for about 2 hours and then he cries again at which point I think that Steve needs to go and comfort him.  He just lets him back into our room.  Steve doesnt get that I am pissed, that I dont really want to share my bed with a 3 year old.  I was always the type of parent that Jordan slept in his own bed from the time he was born.  Yes, if has bad dreams or whatever he has crawled into bed with me, but this happens maybe 3 to 5 times a year.  Not every freaking night. 

 

Steve was out of town this weekend at a tournament.  I had the kids Friday night by myself, took them to their moms Saturday morning and asked her if Andy slept in his own bed at her house.  She said yes, and I said how did you get him to do it.  She looked at me like, you are actually going to do it.  I have been on Steve for months about that.  So here I am at 12:30 in the morning for probably the 10th night since I have been here going to sleep on the sofa..why because my boyfriend doesnt get it.  Is angry at me that I am angry.  I am tired, irriatable and cranky.  Plus I started a new job this weekend, so add to the stress of moving somewhere that I know 1 person, missing my friends, doubting my decision, I am sleeping on average about 4 hours a night! 

 

Yep BH I think the honeymoon is definetely over!

 

M

This is what I have been asking myself over the last couple of days.  I am here in  Boise, loving the city, him and probably most of all his children.  He wants me to move, actually wants me not to go back to Wisconsin at all.  There is nothing holding me there, hasnt been anything for quite a while except a job and some friends. 

 

I know this feels right, But I am not one to make hasty decision such as this.  I am going to fly Jordan out for his winter break and see if they get along.  I know they will, as Jordan needs someone like Steve in his life.  Someone who will be a father figure, firm and warm at the same time. 

 

The kids are amazing....not ever dealing with autistic children I didnt know what to expect.  I have totally fallen in love with the kids.  Andy who is the youngest at 3 probably had my heart within about 10 minutes of meeting each other.  He loves to give hugs and be held.  Jacob who is 5 loves the computer.  He probably knows more than any child I have ever seen.  The mom is not that present in their life, has them from Saturday morning until first thing Monday.  She called they other day and she needs us to take the kids on Super Bowl Sunday...he then asked her to take a Friday night when he is going out of town and she said well...i may have to work late.  I dont get it but I guess all I can do is try to be a good person for these children when they are in our care. 

 

But I keep going back to the point of am I crazy for doing this?  For trusting in this man that to be honest other than about 2 weeks together I know nothing about?  Do I think he would hurt me?  NO I know this for a fact.  So I am going to give it another week see if I can find a job to see if I am meant to stay here. 

Wish me luck

 

M

 

 

2008 for me is starting out right.  You know that feeling you have when everything seems to be working out for a reason?  That is the feeling I have right now.  The old guy is gone, finally gained some strength with not letting him get to me.  He is trying his hardest right now to fight to have me in his life.  I told him this the other day, that I have finally met someone who gets me, wants to be around me and wants to try to make this work.  I also told him a bit sarcastically that it was funny that this man flew 1800 miles to spend Christmas with me and he wouldnt drive 45 miles to attend my work holiday party.  That totally put it into perspective for me. 

 

I fly out to Boise next Thursday to see Steve and spend some time there.  There is only one "hitch" in this relationship.  His two boys are autistic.  I have never been around children that are autistic.  I dont see it as a problem, but something I am a little scared of.  We have both been very honest with each other about the whole thing.  I have told him my fears about his children and he has told me his.  That if this does work out he is scared to try to parent an almost 12 year old who has never had an authortative man in his life.  Those are the only obstacles right now.  Yes, I am being realistic about this whole situation, we had a great 4 day "vacation" together with no outside pressures other than me having to go to work every day.  But it feels right - from the first time we talked until he left - I know what a great man he is!  More to come when I get back.

 

I hope that everyone has an amazing 2008!

 

Michelle

All I can say is that I never ever expected my blog to bring so much joy into my life.  When I was featured I received a few different messages from people I didnt know.  I didnt answer very many but one caught my that said we had a few things in common.  That caught my eye so I decided to reply to find out what we had in common.  Turns out this person grew up in the Seattle area.  We continuted the emails for a couple of weeks and then I kind of hinted around maybe talking on the phone?  He responded sure.  The first conversation was so comfortable and he felt like an old friend.  We talked all last week...I asked him what he was doing on Christmas.  He is a father of 2 boys 3 and 5 and they were going to be spending Christmas with their mom.  I told him to bad you live so far away I would invite you for the holiday as Jordan doesnt get into Wisconsin until very late Christmas night.  We went back and forth about him coming.  He bought his ticket on Friday and was here on Saturday.  Spend the weekend together and had an amazing time.  He feels like a good friend but more.  I know that this person is in my life for a reason, havent figured that one out yet, but I am going in 2 weeks to go see him and see his life and the area he lives in. 

 

Jordan is here and we are bout ready to go snow tubing and enjoy our days together!  Hope everyone had a great Christmas!!!!

 

Michelle

Arent always the ones to follow?  This relationship that I have been in for four months has destroyed most of my best laid plans.  I am not myself, not talking much to friends, have become more of a loner, just existing, not really living. 

I am tired, tired of feeling like I am doing all I can do to make this relationship work and he is just going along for the ride.  The ex wife is still in the picture and will I think always be in the picture.  She called last night when I was over there about the weekend plans and if they were going to "co-parent" together.  It resulted in him having to go out to his car so that I wouldnt be upset by the conversation.  The fact that he needed to hide this conversation from me speaks so many volumes. 

 

I know I need to end this relationship that this is not the best thing for me.  But in thinking about it, I think why I cant do it is because I am afraid of the hurt!  Stupid reason as I am hurting all of the time now, but when it is good between us it is amazing.  I am thinking that this guy is right person wrong time. 

 

I just want to end all of this, to go back to being myself and being able to be the strong woman that I am........

So all of my big talk about just  being friends with the boyfriend seems to be just that.  We have had many heart to hearts over the last couple of weeks and things have started to get better. Admitted to me this week that he is in love with me and wants to be with me.  He is coming up for a holiday party that my company is having and is going to meet everyone in one fell swoop.  This is a lot to ask of this person, as I basically consider most of the people that I work with my friends and family members.  We are a rowdy bunch and for those who dont know us, it can be a lil off putting.  He just said I am going to needs lots of beer and not go to work the next day right? 

 

I told him I need to take it slower, that yeah I am in love with him also, but in order to protect my heart from not getting hurt, I want to take it easier.  I want us to get back to the laughing and having fun times that we used to have in the early stages. 

 

Jordan is coming for Christmas and I am getting super excited.  He is looking forward to being the snow....why would anyone want to be in the snow?  I think I am going to take him snowboarding and tubing.

 

Hope everyone is staying warm and has a wonderful holiday season.

 

M